i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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