Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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