i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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