got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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