Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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