She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
