I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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