I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
