This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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