Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
