I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
