All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
