Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
