I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
