I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
