I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
