please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
