I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
