went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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