i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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