hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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