I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
