He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
