The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Someone came in the potted fern
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
