I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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