So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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