I met the friendliest cop last night
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
