I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
