Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
