Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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