Screwed.edu
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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