I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
two words: eviction party
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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