Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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