im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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