Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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