I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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