I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
