There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
