shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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