your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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