Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
We got so high we made milksteak
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
