you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
