How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
