When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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