Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
