why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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