Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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