I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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