My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
