I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
